When people have burning questions, where do they turn? 

Do they rush off to the library to find a book or consult their set of encyclopedias? 

They Google. 

*The following questions were used in a search engine & the curious folks who asked them ended up at The Football Wife.*

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How do I get my wife to let me play football?

I’m assuming that if you have to get your wife to agree to it that it’s not a paying gig.  While the hours of an NFL player are not conducive to family life, there’s not a soul on this planet who would turn down the salary.  So, does this mean that you want to play flag football with the boys and a cooler of cold ones while she’s at home with your three children folding your laundry?  If that’s the case, then I ask this… “Have you heard of diamonds?” 

What does it mean if a man says, “I love you like a sister”?

That means, honey, that he’s not going to marry you.  He probably doesn’t even want to date you… unless he’s the kind that dates his sister. 

What can I do to turn my wife on?

Have you considered putting your laundry in the hamper or helping with the dishes?  There’s nothing sexier than seeing a man help with the housework, plus it takes a few things off your wife’s “to-do list” which will give her more time for YOU. 

“Is it helthy to lick my wife’s vulvo.”

If you’d like to know if it’s healthy to lick your wife’s…

Volvo, then I’m concerned that you might have Pica.  Do you often have the urge to eat dirt or lick old chewing gum?  If you meant the “other word” that’s a body part, I hope you cleared the history on your web browser.  

How do I be a football wife?

The wives of coaches throughout the country would agree… you start by being yourself!  After that, you’ll have so much more to offer your community.  Be a gracious hostess, wear your team’s colors, bake amazing cookies, dress your kids in jerseys & cheerleading outfits, & don’t worry if you can’t remember everyone’s name.  We have 100 players & over 200 hundred of their family members hanging out on weekends in the Fall.  Try not to let the sport dominate your life — remember this order:  faith, family, friends, football. 

Who is The Football Wife?

She’s an adventurous daughter, mother, & wife who once wanted to be perfect but now lives happily in controlled chaos.  She loves being creative, going to antique stores, and taking walks with her critters.  She is often conflicted… diet pepsi or diet coke, desktop or laptop, Huggies or Luvs.  Troubling, I know.  Lately, she has been forgoing housework in order to play outside with her slide-obsessed toddler.   

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Have a question for The Football Wife? 

Leave a comment or send an email to wife (at) thefootballwife (dot) com. 

In all seriousness, we did get lots of ideas for turning our backyard into something special.  My favorite gardenscape on display was an Alice in Wonderland theme complete with adorable paper lanterns.  Coach enjoyed it, too. 

(from apartmenttherapy.com)

Can you imagine a cool night surrounded by the light of these whimsical paper lanterns?  The smell of gardenias in the air?  Makes you want to grab your garden spade and get busy,  huh?

After an hour of riding in her stroller, ‘Cakes decided that she would like to walk.  She visited with a collie who’s master creates million dollar landscapes and checked out a clog-free gutter system.  When I decided that it was time to get in the stroller again, she went boneless.  Lifting her arms to the sky, she made it nearly impossible to pick her up.  So I scooped her up by one armpit and a leg.  She soon gave in and we walked cheerfully until…

She screamed.

Needless to say, she is suffering from a permanent case of “Mascot Paralysis”. 

After another episode of bonelessness in which both Coach & I broke into a sweat, we decided that it was probably time to hit the road. 

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While it was terribly embarrassing that our toddler threw herself into a heap on the floor & cried hysterically, we agreed (overall) that she had been a very good girl.  Since we were already in the city, we decided to press our luck and visit the Children’s Library.  This turned out to be a genius idea!  The images of a dancing paintbrush were erased from her mind as she explored every inch of the library.  She played with the oversized blocks, arranged the alphabet letters on the magnetic board, & went fishing for trout in one of the exhibits. 

As we played in the library, I watched Coach and thought, “Wow.  We’ve really grown up.”  It’s in those moments when I feel the most proud of the family we’ve created. 

about my college years today…

 and wondering why my home looks like a fraternity house.  Before we left to meet Coach for lunch, ‘Cakes had turned over a chair, littered toilet paper throughout the house, and was funneling milk from her sippy cup whilst standing on her head.  If she keeps that up, by the time she’s 18 the only place I’ll let her go is to the University of Phoenix. 

I mostly started thinking about my college years after finding a shoebox full of cards and letters that my family sent me while I was away at school.  My brother was 8 years old when he sent me this:

As a little kid, my brother always spoke his mind.  No filter on that kid as he declared my college campus to be “a dump”.  Along with cards from my folks, he would add little notes and pictures.  My favorite is of a dancing banana.  He probably thought his drawings would cheer me up… and they did! 

My brother is now away at school and finding his letters has made me feel very guilty.  I haven’t sent him a stitch of mail.  I know, I know… shame on me. 

 I owe him BIG TIME.  And “guest what”? 

He’s the best brother a girl could ever have. 

Becoming a parent has given me a new understanding and appreciation for my mama.

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On this day in 1960, Elvis Presley returned home from active duty in Germany and returned to rock star status.  Later that day, his welcome home was trumped by the arrival of a baby in Lynwood, California — my mom. 

She grew up in the city in the 60’s when kids played outside, rode bikes, & came home for lunch on school days.  The oldest of her siblings, she had a lot of responsibility at a young age.  When I was born, she had years of wisdom under her belt. 

My earliest memories are of walks to the park, acorn picking at the post office, banging on pots & pans in the kitchen, and dancing to Bruce Springsteen & Sheena Easton.  She baked cookies, sewed baby dolls, & lobbied congress for a family pet. 

Thank you, Mom…

for always making me feel special, for equipping me with common sense & encouraging my creative spirit.  Thank you for sacrificing your time for my happiness – a happy childhood is a solid foundation for building a joyful life. 

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Today is about you!

So get out the pots & pans and make some noise!  Hurray for 50! 

It never looked so good. 

I could rewrite this book for Moms…

starting with the title:

Today I Feel Fat & Other Moods That Make My Day

You just know it’s going to be a low self-esteem day when you put your clothes on and your bra is TOO BIG and your pants are TOO TIGHT.  Like my neighbor said, “Sounds like a leggings kind of day!”  Amen, Sister. 

Since it’s Read Across America Day, I pulled out some new books from my teaching library for Babycakes and I to look at.  I have always loved the rhyming verses of Jamie Lee Curtis’s books.  Plus, that nutty & moody little girl really cheers me up!

I often rewrite the verses in my head to suit my own feelings — (the women in my family often speak & think in nursery rhymes and story books.)  For example, yesterday:

Of course, I never stay grumpy for long!

Yikes!  Then I put on my jeans…

Then I got an email from my new fabric distributor…

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Does anyone else go through a range of emotions during their day? 

How do you feel today? 

The FW’s Mama, Coach, AND…

Dr. Suess!

Every year, for the past twelve years, the National Education Association celebrates Read Across America Day on the day of Dr. Suess’s birth — March 2nd!  That’s tomorrow!  You still have time to head to the library and collect some great titles to read with your children! 

At the Football House, there’s a lot of reading going on these days.  Anytime that toddler of mine gets cranky, I just have to say, “Do you want to go read?”  and she’s instantly a different kid.  We grab a stack of board books and head to our comfy spot on the couch.  Here’s a list of our favorites:

• Jamberry by Bruce Degen
• Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb by Al Perkins
• Counting Cockatoos by Stella Blackstone
• Bear on a Bike by Stella Blackstone
• Bear About Town by Stella Blackstone
• The Foot Book by Dr. Suess

Believe it or not, Babycakes would rather read than watch Elmo — shocking, huh?  Sometimes, I’ll catch her sitting by herself with “Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb” and she’s totally reading it!  “Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum… Monkey!” – she says it with the rhythm in which I read it.  THAT is so gratifying to me as a parent!   

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The teacher in me can’t help but add that reading with your children is an important factor in student achievement and creating successful readers!  Not flash cards, not Baby Einstein movies — reading!  Children who spend more time reading, do better in school. 

What books do you read together as a family? 

What are your favorites?

It’s amazing how much little ones can learn just by watching.  At 17 months old, ‘Cakes can make phone calls from her Daddy’s cell phone — which isn’t such a great thing when she calls San Francisco and wakes up Coach Bryan.  She can operate the stereo and the remote control to the television.  In fact, this morning she changed the channel from Morning Joe to Sid the Science Kid.  How does she DO that? 

Babycakes insists on sitting at the table on a regular chair JUST LIKE MOMMY.  This is how I end up looking like a used napkin by the end of the meal.  When her food is gone, she conveniently just slides onto my lap and proceeds to gobble whatever is on my plate.  She has an amazing appetite for someone so small.  Last night, I got up when the phone rang and when I returned to the table she was sitting in my seat eating my dinner with my fork.   

In the mornings, we hang out together as a family catching up on the news and sipping coffee in the living room.  Babycakes will cheers everyone with her milk cup, but then spends the next ten minutes trying to figure out how to get my coffee mug.  “Hot?” she’ll ask.  Yes, dear, it’s very hot.  “Mine?”  No, dear, it’s Mommy’s.  “Monkey?”  Yes, there’s a monkey on the cup.  “Mine?”  No, it’s still not for you.  On Saturday morning, we had coffee at the table and when I wasn’t looking she dipped her bagel in my coffee.  “MMMMmmmmmm!”  Someone should make a sippy cup that looks just like a coffee cup.  Do you hear that Thermos?  Make baby coffee cups!  Then she can be JUST LIKE MOMMY. 

At least once a day, we spend about fifteen minutes sitting at the piano together.  She will not let me play any music for her, instead she is in command of the keyboard.  If I try to play, she rips my hands from the keys and yells, “Nooooo!”  When she finishes a piece, she flips through the music like a pro until she finds something suitable for her mood.  Ah, yes, that’s it — Opus 56 in E major. 

All children imitate their loved ones.  This is precisely why we must be vigilant with our words and actions because little ears & eyes are always listening and watching.  And soon enough, repeating! 

Huh?  What’s that? 

Jokingly, he also added that I shouldn’t cook or do laundry for the next six weeks.  Just FYI, my house is going to be a wreck until April.  I was searching for some inspiration, so as not to bore you into a throwing me a pity party, and therefore bring you… 

Camp Ladybug

This is where you will find ultimate rest.  No cell phones, no husbands, no kids tugging at your legs, & no carpool!  Inspired by the pages of Country Living magazine and a glass of Pinot Grigio, my mom and I started talking about how SHE HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO HOST A SUMMER CAMP FOR MOMS.   So I said, “Then do it!”  and the dream began to take shape. 

We found the most adorable little spot near my parents’ home to host camp.  Now just imagine those little cabins filled with the laughter of women who deserve a break! 

Instead of heading down to the mess hall for meals, we decided it would be much more fun to outfit ourselves and the cutest little kitchen cabin with vintage linens, twinkle lights, & fabric pennants. 

Do you see it yet?  Fresh flowers on the tables, polka dot napkins, & The Football Wife and her mama wearing these:

Bon Appetit!

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And there’s going to be scrapbooking, crafts, a campfire, swimming, hula-hooping, morning coffee walks, s’mores, massages, and time to do nothing at all! 

Now that’s what I call ultimate rest because isn’t the whole point of rest to be

REJUVENATED?! 

Want to learn more about Camp Ladybug for Women?  Visit the blog — you can download a brochure & registration form in the sidebar!   

And not because I’m the size of William Howard Taft. 

If you know me or follow this blog, you know that I have a wild child on my hands — a climber, a jumper, a monkey, & curiosity junkie.  Last night was bath night, so like every other bath night we walked upstairs together, gathered her towel, and headed to my bathroom.  We turned on the water to my over-sized garden tub, added some bubbles, toys, & a naked baby.  She splish-splashed with delight and drank soapy water even with my constant objection. 

After a few minutes of play, it was time to wash her sticky locks of blonde hair.  I was lathering the Johnson & Johnson’s into her hair, pulling pieces up into a mohawk when she decided to stand up.  Sometimes in the tub, because it’s so wide, she is just out of my reach.  So when she decided to stand up, I had to over extend my reach to get my hands under her arms.  “Okay, let’s sit down so Mommy can wash the soap out,” I said to her.  And as I lifted her slightly in an effort to get her into a seated position, she decided to jump. 

I wasn’t ready for it and I slipped. 

I came crashing down onto the hot water handle with my arms extended while holding a 23 pound slippery & naked weight in my arms.  I put Babycakes down and struggled to catch my breath.  (Do you feel sorry for me yet?)  When she saw me crying, she started to cry so I had to put my tears away.  Painfully, we completed the bedtime routine and today…

I have an appointment at the doctor this afternoon.  When he tells me that my ribs are broken I’ll ask if I can post the x-ray picture on the blog.  Until then, I’ll just be hobbling around at the Football House trying not to move. 

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What do you suppose is the lesson to be learned here? 

If you bathe a monkey, use a smaller tub? 

On Friday evening, the Football Family had dinner with some friends at their gorgeous home.  They have the sweetest daughters who prepared for Babycakes’ arrival by “baby-proofing” their playroom and making her a sign to welcome her.  Babycakes, of course, can not read.  All the kids played and I got to participate in something called “adult conversation.”  Wow.  I’d forgotten how good it felt to talk about something other than nap schedules and teething. 

When dinner was served, Allie suggested that her daughters eat in the kitchen while we, the grown-ups & Babycakes, ate in the dining room.  Our darling daughter did not like this set-up and suddenly became combative. 

“All done.  All done.  All done, ” she chanted.

“Do you want to sit with the girls in the kitchen?”

With a big grin she nodded and made Curious George sounds… “Oh!  Uh-huh!  Uh-huh!” 

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that these friends have a cute & shaggy 40 pound doggie named Patty with whom Babycakes had a three hour love affair.  She hugged the doggie and the doggie would lick her.  They laid together in Patty’s bed and when it was time to leave at 10 pm., a heartbroken ‘Cakes cried ALL THE WAY HOME.  “Appy!  Appy!  Dowg!  Dowg!” 

My daughter says dog with the thickest Southern accent. 

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Last night was round 3 of our recruiting weekends.  Coach and his staff keep the parents and their sons busy all over campus, but on their last evening in town they come to our house for a social.  Ordinarily, I would clean the house and then spend the rest of the afternoon baking & preparing desserts.  I cleaned the house, but then…  the sun came out.  The birds were singing, the air was fresh, and the temperature soared to a pleasant 60 degrees.  With guests coming at 7:30 pm., we went outside to play. 

As Frank Sinatra once crooned, “Call me irresponsible…”  I didn’t let anyone down — when Coach came home, the house was sparkly, candles were lit, and an impressive display of desserts were ready to be served.  I’m pretty sure I got a “Wow.  Babe.”  AND I even had time to change my clothes and put on some makeup. 

Here’s my secret to serving THE BEST three layer raspberry cake.  Go buy it at Harris Teeter, put it on a pretty dish, pour yourself a glass of wine and relax.  Hey — like one of our recruit mama’s said last night “Why reinvent the wheel?” 

By the way, our daughter is turning into quite the little recruiter entertainer.  Like every event in her life, she was sure that everyone was there to see her.  Not wanting to disappoint her company, she danced to Captain & Tenille and made friends with Mrs. T.  Did she really want her to hold her or just get her closer to the creme puffs?  The jury’s still out. 

When the house was cleared at 9:15, the rest of her evening went like this:  jammies, binky, silky, music, ZZZZZZzzzzzzz. 

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Two late nights in a row and guess what?  It was totally worth it to abandon all rules and let her stay up late and sneak a sugary snack and watch her run and laugh and dance.  Time is fleeting — we have to enjoy every giggle, every dance move, every moment… 

And every parent last night can attest to that — their sons were just babies the other day, too.