Coaches’ wives unite!

My dear ones, it is August – let the countdown to the season begin!

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Traditionally, the Football Family likes to get out of town for a couple days (preferably to the beach) before the season begins. This year was no exception, but we broke tradition by heading west to the mountains in Asheville, NC. The best part — it took us just four episodes of The Wonder Pets to get there. And since we brought our own little “wonder” pet, we were limited in where we could stay. So… we opted to stay here:

Quick story behind these cabins: they were built in 1929 before modern conveniences like bathrooms and air conditioning were standard. Ours, the Hill Billy, had a window air unit but the bathroom was clearly an after thought. An after thought built for elves. If you are taller than 5’8″, the only way you’d fit in the shower is if you sit on a lawnchair to bathe. After we checked in, we took a trip into downtown Asheville to roam the shops, find nourishment, and visit with all the hippies. I was in desperate search of outfits to wear to the BlogHer conference, but quickly realized that Asheville & New York do not subscribe to the same fashion sense. Since incense & organic cotton weren’t on the list, we moved on to nourishment. We must have looked at six different menus before deciding on a restaurant. We looked at the menu of the Laughing Seed, Co. for a fraction of a second saw things like “quesadilla & barbecue” and put our name in for a table.

With a fifteen minute wait, I took Babycakes to the restroom to freshen up her diaper. Without a changing table, I tried to talk her through a vertical diaper change — “Okay, ‘Cakes, Mommy’s just going to take off this wet diaper. Stand still, okay? That’s a good girl, sweetie. Let’s get rid of this yucky, wet diaper… Ohhhhhh…. noooooo!” This is just how we roll around here — if it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all. When things like this happen, I struggle to know what to do first. Do I mop up the kid or the puddle of pee? It was *at minimum* three sippy cups worth of liquid on the floor and we all know how absorbent those brown paper towels are. The Football Wife’s game plan went like this: grab 22 towels, protect a half-naked baby, play defense against the opening bathroom door while mopping the wet stall; then declare the stall “good enough”, hip check the door to protect my toddler’s head, wrap wet skirt in layers of towels, and return to the restaurant with a pant-less kid. Yes, you read that correctly. I walked out of the bathroom of a trendy restaurant with a kid decked out in a polka dot diaper.

Even after all the drama in the bathroom, our table was still not ready. I wish I could say that I brought a well-behaved, pant-less todder out of the bathroom but alas, I brought out a hungry, punch-drunk kid who decided it would be great fun to terrorize her mother by pulling on my dress and bra straps in an effort to expose me. After wrestling her little fingers from my dress, our name was finally called! YES! FINALLY! Had we looked a bit closer at the menu earlier in the evening, we would have realized that we had stepped into a VEGAN restaurant. Coach was a good sport and ordered a tofu burrito (which came back to haunt him ALL NIGHT LONG) and Cakes ate rice & beans from her high chair until she jumped like a flying squirrel onto my lap. I was enjoying the last bit of my dinner and a well-deserved glass of wine when a warm sensation filled my lap. Very warm. Did my water just break?

And because I didn’t have enough pee for a Friday night, when we returned to the Hill Billy the dog got nervous and whizzed all over the floor.

Fast forward to Saturday — a trip to The Biltmore House. The house is amazing and I’m wondering what you think of me that I brought a sticky fingered 22-month-old there? Considering her age, she was fairly well behaved and since most people paid extra for the audio tour, she really didn’t bother too many people with all her antics. Some of her antics, however, were a bit alarming… literally. Apparently, if you touch the velvet ropes or crawl under them and dart towards a priceless, antique grand piano, silent alarms will alert security. Maybe we could put some of those silent alarms inside the polka dot diapers — APPLE JUICE OVERLOAD. ALERT!

After our tour of Biltmore, we continued on to the Antler Hill Village. Our first stop was to the little farmyard to visit and pet the goats, sheep, horses, and chickens. (pictures to come!)

This is also the site of the Biltmore Estate winery so when it started pouring down rain in the middle of our outdoor lunch, we found shelter in the wine shop & tasting gallery. We each tried a couple different varieties while Babycakes had a flight of grape juice courtesy of the elderly gentleman serving us. We knew it was time to get moving again, when (for an embarrassing second time) my daughter was attempting to expose me to the crowd. Another diaper change was in order because, let’s face it, we can never be too safe! The restroom was down a flight of stairs but luckily, had a koala care station. We were just finishing up and washing our hands when a grandmotherly aged woman walked in with a toddler about the same age as Cakes. With Cakes on my left hip, I reached for a towel to dry my hands when the woman said to me…

 ”So, when’s the baby due?”

Cue the uncomfortable silence. And then I finally said, “Oh, I guess I just *look* pregnant because I’m not *actually* pregnant.”

Who wants to feel the baby kick?