Being a Coach’s Wife

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It’s been asked of me, “What’s it like being a coach’s wife?”  It’s not THAT bad.  In fact, it’s kind of fun.  How many women can say that their husband’s job entertains (& stresses) them 11 Saturdays a year?

I feel like I’m the new breed of “Coach’s Wife” — I’m young, a new mother, independent.  I am supportive of my husband, but I also value my own interests.  I don’t let football rule my entire life — you won’t find me wearing our team’s football t-shirts around town or carrying a blinged-out football handbag.  I save my pom-poms for game day.  Know what I mean?

You do have to make room for football in your life.  It’s your bread & butter.  Will your husband work long hours?  Yes.  Would you rather have him punch a clock or have a career that he’s passionate about?

Here is my advice…

FOOTBALL.  Embrace it.  Try not to learn too many of the rules — it ruins the fun.  Stop by practice.  Learn the kids’ names.  Meet their parents.  Let your own kids run wild in the end zone after the game.  Bake cookies for the staff.  Get involved.  Hug the mascot.  Eat dinner together — even if it’s at the office.  Be creative –try sewing, painting, or scrapbooking.  Get together with other wives.  Dress your baby in a cheerleading outfit.  Paint a paw print on her face.  Learn to mow the lawn.  Redecorate.  Plan after-the-game parties.  Enjoy control of the remote.  Netflix girlie movies.  Go to church on Sundays.  Make a treat basket for your Coach.  Invite the seniors over for dinner.  Hire players’ girlfriends to babysit your children.  Smile.  Keep your fingers crossed for a winning season.

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43 Comments

  1. Thanks so much for the great advice! I grew up in a small town that shut down on friday nights for the game and was the captain of the dance team… so needless to say.. I LOVE football season! My husband played football in college so I dealt with not seeing him that much then but I think your advice about getting involved and learning to distract myself will serve me well! Good luck to you this season! :)

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  2. My coach and I are beginning our 15th season together. I love being a part of his “team”. Every day during two-a-days I fill up our 5 gallon jug with ice cold sweet tea and take to the coaches office for them to enjoy during their afternoon meetings. Doing little things that are helpful to my coach absolutely makes my day!!!

    Thank you for your wonderful posts! I love reading about other coach’s wives!

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  3. Great advice! I have to admit I let out a chuckle when I read the part about learning to mow the lawn. It’s so true!

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  4. Your advice was definitly inspirational! It really made me smile! I am the “new coaches wife” at his first job, trying to fit in and help out in any way that I can. I would love some more advice like what to do for the team and coaches after the games and even before. Some of the other wives are excited and want to pitch in too, I just need some ideas. We tried watermelon after the game and sandwichs too, but I could use some fresh new ideas. Also, sweet things to do for my coach, I really liked the gallon of ice tea idea! Please help this rookie out! :)

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  5. Agreed! Embracing the game is the only way to get through it. I used to get bitter but now I look forward to it. Shh, don’t tell coach!

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  6. Beginning our 25th year together, 20 of those we shared coaching football. I say share because I’m as much a part of it as he is. Our two girls were brought up on the side-lines while I photographed the games. One became our school’s cheerleader and when I decided to go into the booth to film his games, the other daughter took over as photographer. Her collection of photos, from camps to the last game are put on a program she created and set to music for our end of the season football dinner. I sit with the staff and watch game film. I’ve become a student of the game. I rarely go into the stands — but we’re involved in so many ways. I work hand in hand with the captain’s mothers on dinners, etc. I organize homecoming festivities and make each mother a photo button of their son. As a family, we’ve endured disgruntle parents, and an occasional loud play suggestion from the fence….. but we’ve grown to be a loyal, strong family unit because of our experiences. Our youngest daughter now coaches field hockey at our school, and I’m the A.D’s secretary. Go Black Hats!

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  7. Not only am I the wife of a football coach….I am also his athletic trainer. Some how after 3 years of working together we have found a way to keep our work arguments at work. I love football and can’t imagine it not being part of our lives. I too try to bring fun to the stress of being in season. Goody bags, crock pot dinners for the coaches during film sessions and Saturday afternoon “Football Family” BBQs. Its is alot of work, but alot of fun being a coach’s wife.

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    • That’s very cool! Our associate head coach’s wife is the head athletic trainer at the college & she, too, works football. :) Thanks for stopping by & keep in touch!

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  8. I really enjoyed reading the article and all of your posts. I am the “new coach’s wife”. This is our first season together and it is a hard adjustment for me. Your responses have really helped me try to get a new perspective on everything. Thanks!

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  9. Just found your website, and I think it’s WONDERFUL!! I just married my “coach” this summer and I love your tips above. So much truth to them!

    We wanted to do something different for our wedding, being that it was both our 2nd marriages, and involve our children. Of course that meant getting married on the field at the High School that he coaches, lol! It was such a beautiful, meaningful, fun day! Our vows(written by our pastor):
    We are gathered here on the 5th day of June, 2010, in the sight of God and our fans to unite Coach John McCormick and Bridget Hiel in holy matrimony. As believers in Jesus Christ, they recognize that it was God who instituted marriage, and football, and who said, “It is not good for man to coach alone. I will make an assistant coach suitable for him.”
    The God who made and redeemed them also instituted this relationship they are about to enter.
    John and Bridget, the vows you are about to take are not to be taken without careful thought and studying the play book. For in them, you are committing yourselves exclusively the one to the other for as long as you both shall take the field. This love is not to be diminished by difficult circumstances such as interceptions and clipping calls, and it is only to be dissolved by scoring that final touchdown run in life.
    As God’s children by faith in the ultimate head coach, Jesus Christ, the coaching partnership of marriage is especially meaningful. Certainly it is possible for non-team members to marry, but only members of God’s team by faith in Jesus Christ can ever experience the field goals, and touchdowns which God intends for marriage to have.
    Let me remind you, Coach and bride, your home team will never be what God intends for it to be if you leave Him out of your offensive plays and defensive schemes. As you are obedient to the Word of God, and allow God to control your play calling, your home field will be the place of joy and victories to the world that God intends.
    Do you, John take Bridget, to be your beloved wife. Do you promise to love her and be her faithful partner, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Spartans are winning, and when they are losing, in injuries and in health, and in good seasons and in bad. From preseason through the playoffs, until that final gun has gone off. Will you be true and loyal and cherish her for all the quarters of your lives through punts, safeties, and on-side kicks?
    Please answer: I promise to be faithful to our team and never stray.
    Do you, Bridget take John, to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day foward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, to love and to cherish; until death do us part. Will you love and support him thru coaches’ challenges and off-sides penalties, offense and defense, home games and away.
    Please answer: I promise to be faithful to our team and never stray.
    (Bless and exchange rings)
    So, if you will love each other through good games and bad
    And even when players parents get mad.
    And each other you will have and you will hold,
    With your team colors will never grow old.
    And you promise to love your teammate through all the football seasons of life
    Then I am proud to announce you as co-head coaches in the game of life

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    • I loved your story and would be interested knowing how things are going for you and your coach. I find myself about to embark on a similar journey…second marriage with kids. I am nervous but I’m going into this with both eyes open and prepared for a lot of hard work. Your perspective and any advice would be so much appreciated!

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  10. Thank you so much for your advise. My fiancée is in his first year of coaching and it has been really rough on our relationship. It has been even harder because it has been long distance because I am still in college (graduating in May!!). It’s great to hear how yall have adjusted to the coaching life as I am still trying to figure it out (although just me moving there should help!).

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  11. I wish you all well. You have excellent beginnings. I was a coach’s wife for 21 years. It certainly helps if you like the game. I can’t encourage you both enough to keep the communication lines open. My next piece of advice would be to somehow share in each developmental stage your children go through. Maybe via a letter or a phone call, an email…it would help him be a part of their childhood and help him experience “fatherhood.” AND yes I will plug my new book, “Mrs. Coach, Life in Major College Football.” Perhaps you can gain something from my experiences. Best wishes to you all and God bless you and your families!
    Kathy (Currey) Kronick

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  12. Wish I could be more upbeat but I think it sounds like I am the only one struggling with being a coach’s wife here. He does 3 sports year round and the constant unexpected EVERYTHING frustrates me so much. we have two little ones so it leaves me. I am completely dreading the start of this new school year.

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    • I empathize with you. I am the wife of a college football coach and we have had four little girls in the 8 years of his career. We are in an industry that puts a LOAD of stress on marriages and families. We need to recognize that challenge, and not ignore the feelings of resentment, lonliness and overwhelmment (is that a word?).
      Running the risk of generalizing, most coaches are successful because they are overly focused, drivin, somewhat narcissistic, confident, and (dare I say it) very stubborn. They HAVE to be, that’s what makes them competitive. As an overwhelmed wife, it’s easy to feel like you’re on the bottom of the priority pile. SPEAK UP! Neither one of you wants to deal with the repercussions of you geting to your end of the rope. In dealing with my own “end of rope”, my coach-husband and I recognized how prevelant marital problems are in this industry. It makes confrontation, communciation of needs PARAMOUNT in your FAMILY’s success. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
      I do agree with the cute “my advice” column. It is important for us, as coach’s wives, to be visible and supportive. Conversely though, YOU deserve the same amount of visible adoration and support. Make sure HE knows you expect and deserve that.
      And, hire a highschool kid to mow your lawn. It’s worth the $50.

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    • I am right there with you, Nikki! My husband also coaches three sports at the high school where we both teach. We have two young children who both have interests of their own (no football in the mix, though) and so I find that I am the one doing all of the juggling. I am the one scheduling all of the appointments, returning all of the phone calls, doing the home improvements, etc. I try to stay involved by cooking for the team and doing nice things because I teach these boys, too. I get so discouraged, though, because I feel like he doesn’t appreciate the things I do or the things I have to sacrifice to support him. I feel like I have to make all of the decisions about everything because we are never have enough time without the children to actually have a discussion about anything. ARGH!!

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    • You are NOT the only one who struggles with football season! I have been a high school football coach’s wife for 12 years and have been with my husband for many more years. Football has been his saving grace, perhaps even his first love. And I am very proud of the character, team and esteem building he helps his players develop. However, as a woman I have NEVER felt well represented by football. My choices of involvement often feel limited to a “silent” stand behind your man kinda gal, unnoitced(unless for male gratification) cheerleader, or frumpy snack mom. None of which appeal to me. I abhor the sexism that the culture of football often promotes, particularly the NFL. Not once have I seen a football team hold a banner for the cheerleaders to run through at half time as the cheer squads often due for high school players. It is such a shame, because the game itself is quite strategic in nature and has so many fine aspects of it that often go underdeveloped and unacknowledged. I continue to search for a way to authentically participated in football season as a woman that I can feel good about, but have not yet found it. So you are very much not alone. I appreciate your honesty and candor about what you are feeling. No netflix girlie night, pedicures, or scrap booking could ease my feelings of alienation. And by the way a note to the previous blogger, as a fellow believer in Jesus Christ, God did not make football.Best of luck to you. I will be thinking of you.

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  13. Nikki,
    We’ ve all been there! You just have to change your attitude: eat breakfast together as a family (make it your dinner) Have a date night during the week-pick a night like Monday for us when they get off the field earlier. Get a babysitter to go to the games with you so you can watch and they can Get together with the other wives and do something fun-no hubbies or kids or bring the kids if thats what everyone agrees on.
    Good Luck!

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  14. Nikki,
    NO you are not the only one who is struggling! Believe me many others are feeling the same way, but for whatever reason are not coming forward.

    I would first recommend a good, uniterrupted talk with your husband.

    Tell him how you feel and what specifically he could do to help you.
    Begin your open discussions asap. DOn’t wait for it to be a surpise to him later. My coach said to me, “I thought you were happy?”
    Your feelings are real.
    It is OK to not be happy and to have feelings.

    If you truly want to make it aa a coach’s wife, ask him what that entails in his mind. FInd out if you have a job description. You may find out he is willing to be more attentive to your time.

    Then, do something for yourself, something positive that you have always wanted to do.
    Maybe take a class, join a gym, a church group, something especally for you.

    I wish you the very best. Remember you are important and talented too!

    Kathy

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  15. Nikki, you’re not the only one. This is my second year as a coaches wife and we also have two little ones. I hate that he is never here and coaching always comes first. The advice is great and I’m sure if I could do all thoses things than life would be easier but when you have a toddler and a newborn you’re lucky if you can find the time to shower. Forget going to games, let alone practice. They say it gets better but I don’t know that I will ever be able to embrace this lifestyle. I didn’t marry a coach, I married a would be engineer who decided to become a coach after floundering for 5 years so this is not something I prepared for. I know I sound bitter and angry but I haven’t spent more than 30 minutes at a time with my husband since 2 a days started 3 weeks ago and I only get about 3 hours of sleep a night so, at the moment, I can’t see a silver lining.

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  16. Nikki,
    I know how you feel. I’m in my 5th year of being a coach’s wife, & I’m still adjusting. Partly because we’ve moved around so much. We have 3 year old twins that want to stay up & wait for daddy to get home every night, which makes for cranky 3 year olds that I’m left to deal with by myself every morning. I don’t want to sound bitter either. I love my husband & being a coach’s wife, but it can be exhausting. There are times when I feel unappreciated for the things I do at home. One thing that has helped this year is joining a coaches’ wives bible study. I’ve met wives from around our district & it really helps being with women who understand what’s going & having those shoulders to cry on when needed. This was my first week there,& I’ve really enjoyed it. I’m also ordering the book “The Coach’s Wife” for more inspiration.

    I don’t want you to think you’re the only wife that has a hard time adjusting. I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there! I’m telling myself to do the same! :-)

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  17. Hi, Nikki! I’m a coaches wife too! I’m so happy I found you blog today as well as your refreshing attitude. My coach and I have been on this adventure a long time. We just made our 16th move (I should be in the garage unpacking). He is currently a hc at a 5-A hs in Texas and we love our new home. I hope y’all have a great football season…and thanks again for encouraging the young wives. The measure of what our guys is doing is awesome. Thanks for helping him.

    Hug.
    Roxanne

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  18. So happy to read your blog, my boyfriend just started coaching basketball and wwe have distance between us, but I am getting to use to it. I love the fact that he is so passionate with about his career, at the same time I do see the stressors of his career. I try my best to be super supportive, and be here for him always. I still keep my life as well as spending time with both of our famlies, cooking, donating, church, and working. Making time to go see him an make sure I see some games are a priority as well. Loving Life – FutureCoachesWifeInTraining

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  19. Thank you for this blog topic! I can’t tell you how much I’ve been struggling with the thought of being a coach’s wife. I love my coach and I love his passion for the game but one thing I worry about is finances. What do you wives do to help support your family financially, especially when you have young kids?

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  20. I am not sure I can handle another season like this one (we are still playing). I have lowered my expectations of my husband to just about zero. I had three requests going into this season:

    1) I would like one date a month, even if it is just an hour walk outside just the two of us.
    2) Don’t promise to do something (i.e. pay a bill) if you aren’t going to do it. I would rather do it myself. Don’t tell me you will be home at a certain time if you have no idea. I am not disappointed in the long hours but I am disappointed when you tell me you will be home at 3pm on a Sunday and don’t get home until after the kids are in bed.
    3) Since this is a new school, please introduce me to people so I know someone and have people to be involved with.

    So, four months into this football season, I have gotten one date, had multiple promises broken (including many late bills), and I have been introduced to no one. I don’t know one coach or one player. We don’t live in the town he coaches in either. I road-trip every weekend by myself with both children so they can say ‘hi’ to him after the game. There have been no after-game parties. We have not done anything together as a family since July (he doesn’t ever even eat dinner with us). He leaves before 7 am and gets home after 8:30 pm most days. We have two small children and I work full-time so I didn’t think my expectations were too high. Apparently, I was wrong in thinking that coaches can still be part-time dads and husbands during football season.

    I have done this for five years. I am not doing it again.

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  21. Hey all – I guess I’m a also a “newish breed” of football wife – my husband is an arena football coach. You know, the indoor football played on a hockey rink with turf. First of all, God bless all of you with kids – I couldn’t imagine doing all you do and having children to worry about. Last season, my husband coached in Fairbanks, AK – when people asked if we had kids, I told them we wouldn’t be having this conversation if we had kids. However, him being a coach isn’t the reason we don’t have kids, it just isn’t in the cards for us, and that’s ok.
    The reason I started searching for a board like this is to get some advice from women who know what I’m going through. You see, I believe Robert and I are special – I know this because I was married before, and while it was a good marriage, it was nothing like Robert and I have. We’ve been together for over 10 years and I love him more now than ever. He makes me laugh and more loved than I ever have. I have always encouraged him to follow his dreams, and never wanted to be the person to tell him no. He even gave up coaching for 2 years, and I knew he was miserable, so when the opportunity in AK came up, I told him to go. Well, now he’s ready to start another season and I don’t know if I’m ready for him to be gone again. It’s just not fair that two people who are meant to be together have to spend half their year apart.
    So why don’t I move? Well, in this league, it’s not worth it – most contracts are from year to year – teams startup and fold all of the time. Plus, I have a great career and I’m near my family. But I’m a cancer survivor and I know how precious life is and I just don’t want to spend any more time apart. My plan is to see how this year goes (he’s now coaching in Wisconsin), maybe he’ll be there for more than a year, which would be great, and then see if moving is even an option.
    I look forward to hearing and sharing with everyone here, thanks in advance!

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  22. I like your blog! I’m not married to a coach, casually dating the guy. We grew up together he played, now coaches and we live in different states. I also do a little marketing for him, as it relates to his career. Sometimes he seems removed and other times he’s open and vulnerable. Never dealt with a man like this…Any suggestions?

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    • MS.C- I had a relationship that mirrors your description. In 21/2 years, my boyfriend went from being on an arena bowl championship team to becoming a grad assistant coach at a Big 12 school. We knew each other since highschool, and were pretty compatable on many important levels. We were BOTH at times very open and vulnerable with each other, other times distant and removed, him more than me, and I was so infatuated with him and afraid if probed him with questions I would push him away. After his first coaching season I grew tired of this comfortable yet complex and mysterious LDS relationship, and curious as to why he had not brought up marriage or at least me moving to be with him. I built up the courage to ask him about where he stood with his personal goals and our future. It turns out we were on completely separate pages. I was Under the assumption because he wasn’t pushing me to move he was simply Grad assisting to get a free masters, then would come back home and get an athletic administrating job and coach high school and have a balanced family/work life. He assumed I would eventually abandon my life and career in the city I had worked so hard for and accompany him wherever college town his coaching job was, getting married after he was furthur along in his career. Unable to work out a compromise, we broke up right then. It was awful, and I wish I had initiated this talk with him sooner in the relationship and wouldn’t have wasted time and stress that comes with a long distance relationship to a college coach that went nowhere.

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    • Hey there, Ms. C… sorry that I didn’t respond sooner. Football coaches are notorious for being distracted!! Have you joined the Sideline Club? It’s a great place to chat with other wives and girlfriends about whatever’s on your mind. Here’s the link: http://www.thefootballwifessidelineclub.ning.com/

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  23. My bf has been a coach for 3 years now. We started dating while I lived in georgia and after a few visits and talking everyday since september we finally decided to have me move here(back to cali)and he had told me about how it was going to be moving out here and i was fine with that. Now he’s all about hanging out and drinking with the coaches! We are young yes but he gets mad at me for not wanting to go out all the time and drink! Football season hasn’t even started and I’m stressing already! On top of that the coaches all have season tickets to the niners games which means more time apart. We’ve known each other since high school and we had a thing back then and i couldn’t be happier to have him back in my life. I dont want to loose him again so what can i do as a girlfriend of a football coach to prepare for this season and many to come?? Oh and he classes for the next year as well as football! Advice please and thank you!!

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  24. I am so glad to see this blog!!! I fell in love with a wonderful man whom I went to grade school with and had known for twenty years!! We’d been friends forever and had both recently come out of bad relationships. We literally fell in love before we knew what happened! I am so thankful for finally finding someone who shares the same view on faith, family and relationships. BUT he’s a college football coach and when I fell in love with him I had NO idea how demanding his job was and the hours he’d put in!!!! His job demands definitely DO NOT fit into what I envisioned for my spouse and the dynamics of a happy, stable family. We decided early on that marriage and children are in our near future (a couple of years) so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself to go through my first football season that will start in a couple of weeks AND did I mention we are 7 hours apart until we get married?! So here I am knowing that I’ve got to figure out how to be a “big girl” because there is no such thing as “cutting your losses” when you finally find that person that you love and are in love with. However, this doesn’t stop me from worrying that I’ll end up being the everything in my family as the supportive wife, doting mother and great “team mom” all while dealing with the fact that my own needs and desire for support may not be met. Thank you for this blog! It has been bookmarked and I’ve also ordered the book. I look forward to more great advice.

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  25. Thank you thank you thank you, my boyfriend of 2 years currently plays college football and I have a hard time with it… My friend who’s in a long distance relationship sees her boyfriend the same amount I see mine… His uncle is a head college football coach and my boyfriend has always planned on coaching when he’s done with school… Now that that is less than a year away it has become real to me… Having such a hard time with him playing I have figured I would have an even harder time with him coaching… Im a very type a planner, organizer and Im aware that a football coaches life is quite the opposite…But I do love him… so who knows where the world will take us… Love your blog, keep it coming!

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  26. Thank you very much for this blog. My fiancee/ head football coach / athletic director/ part time PE teacher and I have started on this journey together and I need as much help as I possibly can. I am very excited to get this train started and at the same time I feel a little scared. I want to be as prepared as possibly so that this transition smooth. After a lot of reading and talking to him I know what to expect and what not to expect but still HE of all people is worried about his time..we wish there were more than 24 hours in the day…and another day between Sunday and Monday.. Advice please!

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  27. I have come from a family/town that does not really get involved in football, and until this last year, I had no idea that the lifestyle/schedule for coaches is so draining. My boyfriend is a coach, he loves his jobs and he is constantly stressed. He always tries to makes time for me, however, it is always following a 12+ hour day, and so we do not get the spend a great deal of “regular” hours together (during the day). Additionally, we are long distance, but I will be finishing my post-secondary next year. I love him a great deal, and I have had it in my mind for a while now, that he and I are meant to be together. He is very supportive of me, and I of him. However, after reading these posts, I feel as though it may be like signing away my life-long intention, of finding a happy, healthy, balanced life with the man I love. While the advice is fair, to become involved with his career, I wish to have one of my own, as well. I do not have as much interest, however, in the 12-hour-long days. I would like to go to work, and come home during the evenings and weekends, to relax and enjoy my life. Do I really want to spend that time doting on my husband’s career? I want to be supportive of him, of course, and maybe it’s my having never really grown up with football, or the love of the sport, that has me thinking that I would find little interest in sitting with football wives, to discuss our problems as a collective. This concerns me, especially knowing well in advance (now) that that is to come, before I have even moved in with him.

    My question for you ladies is: does it get better? Do you find that this is an on-going struggle, that does not cease?

    It seems to me that it is an ongoing process, and that worries me. I do not want to spend years and years of my life, trying to sort how I fit in my husband’s life and career, and become fussed about how he ought to make time for me (and, like the comments already posted, not unreasonable amounts of time (referring to the one date a month request)), when that more than likely means taking time away from his career. Isn’t it selfish, though, for a career to take up that much of his time? I feel as though coaching is a family-oriented event, which disguises this strict, excessive-hour policy, that removes your significant other from your life, even in areas of family, where he ought to be. I do not feel it is fair for a career, or your significant other, to expect this of you, when you both want a family in the future. And yet, we’re tired up in the idea that you must support his dreams. Any step to fulfill your own needs means you are not supporting these dreams.

    This concerns me greatly, and it is making me re-think what I am doing, but he is the love of my life, and while I desperately do not want to let him go, I fear that I am allowing that love to persuade me to a life of frustration.

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  28. Ally, If I’m being honest, it doesn’t get any better. The off-seasons can seem better, but if he has recruiting, that’s a whole separate issue in itself. Being a coaches wife is ABSOLUTLEY draining. I truly believe the ones who “love it” are usually the ones mesmerized with the notoriety of being a “coaches wife”. I could care less. I wish my husband worked at Best Buy. It is very hard not to get bitter. It does seem like a selfish career. My hubby and I met in college when he was coaching as a GA. 16 years later, we are deeply in love…but there are days that I want to force him to choose his job or me and our 2 kids. I cry a lot. I agree also, Ally, that it really feels like we are just supposed to sit back and cheer while he gets to fulfill his dreams. Sorry to seem like a Debbie Downer. I need to pray more and deepen my relationship with Christ. Also, we are right in the middle of camp right now..so I am feeling especially overwhelmed.

    Reply
  29. First off let me say that I had no idea that this advice and other women like me existed! I have been a coaches wife for 5 years now. My husband is the head coach at a high school that is really big in our city. There is a lot of pressure to remain great as a coach and as a winner. At home I feel alone all the time. I feel like I’m just someone or something on a to do list but there is no effort or energy because it is depleated by the time he gets home. I use to wait up until he got home but I started to see that he was still working when he got home either texting or on the phone or breaking down film. I work fully one have 1 child and pregnant with another. I come home everyday to an empty house, I go to bed by myself, and I manage my own day to day thoughts and problems. I’m drained and deplenished everyday, but I keep going thinking there is a brighter light at the end of this tunnel. Year after year he gets deeper and deeper into the game and I bicker and feel more and more unappreciated or overlooked. I start to feel unwanted and my self esteem starts to escape more and more each year. I feel like its something he should be fix but at the end of the day I question is it just me? I don’t want it to get to a point of Being More stressful at home than at practice but what’s a girl to do if she needs him and he cannot be there. I don’t understand what I should be doing if I’m doing everything and still feel depleated. Being a coaches wife is like being single with children and fulfilling his role. Am I just hard to please, or am I asking to much if all I want is for him to be attentive to my needs? I laughed at some of the commenters above because I have said, thought or feel the exact same way. How do I be there for him but also understand that he can’t be there for me?

    Reply
  30. Thank you for your honesty. Reading these posts has left me with a bittersweet feeling. While a little saddened, I am also very relieved to see that I’m not alone in thinking the way that I do. I am really, really trying to stay positive but, alas, a few months later I am once again Googling for advice or a place of solace.

    Allison, your comment about wishing your husband worked at Best Buy made me laugh and cover my face, because I feel exactly the same. If only he were as passionate about computers and stereo equipment as he is about football!

    Truly, I love that there is a passion in my boyfriend that he is fulfilling through coaching – that was a major attraction to me when we first met – however, it seems to be draining both of us. It appears to be becoming double-edged sword: I realize his schedule is full and so I find other outlets to keep myself occupied, and he recognizes that I need to distract myself during the hours I would prefer to spend with him, which strains him further. Additionally, there is a financial burden here, and while the process of advancement in the coaching field (heh) is not something I know a lot about, I absolutely do not feel he is being properly compensated for his work (the hours, including the excessive time put in to study film, as Shuray mentioned). I am worried that I will end up hating his career, or worse, that he will.

    Shuray, the piece of your post about self-esteem hit home, and being on a “to-do” list is exactly the feeling I get, too. It is very unlike any feeling I have had before. Self-esteem seems to latch onto your significant other once you’re invested in them and it can be bent and stretched and manipulated (knowingly or not) by the movement of your partner. When I feel distanced from mine, I feel that self-esteem stretched thin. As hard as it is for me to admit, there it is. Alongside the desire to be independent, there is a definite gnawing to be in a partnership with him, which is incredibly difficult to do with limited interaction, and yet even knowing of the time crunch, I just can’t seem to stop wanting it.

    Reply
  31. Thank you so much for setting this up. My boyfriend is a high school football coach. He warned me that it would be busy but I had no idea. I am learning to be patient and know that some days are going to be rougher than others. As this being our first season together it definitely has been interesting. I look forward to seeing more on your website for support and encouragement. Thank you again!

    Reply
  32. Wow, so glad I stumbled across this page. I have been searching for posts about coping with being a coach’s wife and have found thousands of women saying how their husband’s passion makes it all better/worth it. I just feel like that’s not true, maybe it’s just that all those women are highly involved in their husband’s career and I’m trying to have one of my own. I was all too relieved to find Ally and Shuray’s post because I more closely resonate with them.

    Before I had my daughter I was slightly more at ease with the situation. Now I constantly find myself in anger, frustration and above all alone. This is definitely not the idea of family that I had nor one that I am comfortable with. I hate that my daughter doesn’t get family meals or family memories because her dad is always working. He’s gone before she wakes up which leaves me to get her up and ready, have a full day at work, pick her up and get her ready for bed, then cook dinner so whatever time he gets home he has food. I’m sleep by the time he gets home so I see him maybe twice a week for a total of less than 10 hours. He does football and basketball so 75% of the year he is rarely present in my or our daughter’s life. Tomorrow is never promised so why should my daughter spend today not seeing her father and I spend it alone and waiting for the day when I get to go to bed with him by my side and wake up to him too.

    I hate to vent like this. I think what he does is absolutely amazing and yea to see his passion is inspiring; but that doesn’t change the fact that we are being neglected (regardless of the reason). Obviously this lifestyle is not one for me, and I have a deep respect for all the coach’s wives out there. I’ve been walking on a thin string and I feel like it’s about to break. The way I’m seeing it these days is I play the role of a single mother so I might as well just be one.

    However, I think you ladies did offer some wonderful suggestions.

    Before I had my daughter I was slightly more at ease with the situation. Now I constantly find myself in anger and frustration and above all alone. This is definitely not the idea of family that I had nor one that I am comfortable with. I hate that my daughter doesn’t get family meals or family memories because her dad is always working. He’s gone before she wakes up which leaves me to get her up and ready, have a full day at work, pick her up and get her ready for bed, then cook dinner so whatever time he gets home he has food. I’m sleep by the time he gets home so I see him maybe twice a week for a total of less than 10 hours. He does football and basketball so 75% of the year he is rarely present in my or our daughters life.

    I hate to vent like this. I think what he does is absolutely amazing and yea to see his passion is inspiring; but that doesn’t change the fact that we are being neglected. Obviously this lifestyle is not one for me, and I have a deep respect for all the coaches wives out there. I’ve been walking on a thin string and I feel like it’s about to pop. The way I’m seeing it these days is I play the role of a single mother so I might as well just be one.

    However, I think you ladies did offer some wonderful suggestions but I don’t think they really considered working mothers. If I were to go out and get a hobby or take up additional interests I would have to get a nanny or babysitter; it is definitely not in my interest to have my daughter miss time with her mother when her father is already missing. I’ve

    Reply
  33. Wow, so glad I stumbled across this page. I have been searching for posts about coping with being a coach’s wife and have found thousands of women saying how their husband’s passion makes it all better/worth it. I just feel like that’s not true, maybe it’s just that all those women are highly involved in their husband’s career and I’m trying to have one of my own. I was all too relieved to find Ally and Shuray’s post because I more closely resonate with them.

    Before I had my daughter I was slightly more at ease with the situation. Now I constantly find myself in anger, frustration and above all alone. This is definitely not the idea of family that I had nor one that I am comfortable with. I hate that my daughter doesn’t get family meals or family memories because her dad is always working. He’s gone before she wakes up which leaves me to get her up and ready, have a full day at work, pick her up and get her ready for bed, then cook dinner so whatever time he gets home he has food. I’m sleep by the time he gets home so I see him maybe twice a week for a total of less than 10 hours. He does football and basketball so 75% of the year he is rarely present in my or our daughter’s life. Tomorrow is never promised so why should my daughter spend today not seeing her father and I spend it alone and waiting for the day when I get to go to bed with him by my side and wake up to him too.

    I hate to vent like this. I think what he does is absolutely amazing and yea to see his passion is inspiring; but that doesn’t change the fact that we are being neglected (regardless of the reason). Obviously this lifestyle is not one for me, and I have a deep respect for all the coach’s wives out there. I’ve been walking on a thin string and I feel like it’s about to break. The way I’m seeing it these days is I play the role of a single mother so I might as well just be one.

    However, I think you ladies did offer some wonderful suggestions.

    Before I had my daughter I was slightly more at ease with the situation. Now I constantly find myself in anger and frustration and above all alone. This is definitely not the idea of family that I had nor one that I am comfortable with. I hate that my daughter doesn’t get family meals or family memories because her dad is always working. He’s gone before she wakes up which leaves me to get her up and ready, have a full day at work, pick her up and get her ready for bed, then cook dinner so whatever time he gets home he has food. I’m sleep by the time he gets home so I see him maybe twice a week for a total of less than 10 hours. He does football and basketball so 75% of the year he is rarely present in my or our daughters life.

    I hate to vent like this. I think what he does is absolutely amazing and yea to see his passion is inspiring; but that doesn’t change the fact that we are being neglected. Obviously this lifestyle is not one for me, and I have a deep respect for all the coaches wives out there. I’ve been walking on a thin string and I feel like it’s about to pop. The way I’m seeing it these days is I play the role of a single mother so I might as well just be one.

    However, I think you ladies did offer some wonderful suggestions but I don’t think they really considered working mothers. If I were to go out and get a hobby or take up additional interests I would have to get a nanny or babysitter; it is definitely not in my interest to have my daughter miss time with her mother when her father is already missing. I’ve

    Reply
  34. Dear wives,

    Please read my book, Mrs. Coach, Life In Major College Football. I am thinking it would touch home for many of you.

    Reply

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